Back from the Living Dead.....

Eight days "clean"!

I really rather expected to be feeling myself again by now. I suppose I should have known better.

Having consumed a dose of some kind of opiate/opioid every day for the last four years or so, (and before that.....and before that.....and before that.....etc etc) I guess it will take a while for my physical self to level off; as well as my emotional and psychological self.

*******

"Psychological".

Now there is a very misused and misunderstood term if ever there was one, almost as misconstrued or misrepresented as the word God, or the word love.

For the most part folk seem to interperate psychological as somehow meaning "not real".

"Oh, his problems are all psychological" folk will say dismissively, or words like it.

What they mean is, "I don't understand it" or "He's imagining it/making it up" or "It is not a real problem."

Well, let me assure you all that a psychological problem is about as real as any problem gets. We are after all psychological creatures, are we not?

What is "psychology" anyway?

Now, let me be clear here. I am not any kind of expert on this subject. I haven't been to any university, or read all that much about it (I have a vaugue laymans grasp of Freudian v Jungian perspectives, but it is the grasp on an uneducated man). I am only spouting my own observations, from my particular perspective, for my own reasons. Interperate them as you will, ignore them if you choose.

Knowledge of the Self.

That, for me, is the definition of the word, psychology.

And this is the point I am trying to make here today. A psychologically healthy person is a person who truly "Knows Themselves".

I have arrogantly, and ignorantly stompped through life assuming I knew who I was, and saying "sod you" to anyone who tried to tell me different.

After all, they are not me, so what the hell would they know?

Right?

Lately however, I have come to realise what I have actually been doing all these years.

Lashing out at those who I cannot help but be attracted to, becasue they resemble me in so many ways.

I see myself when I look at them.

As a vain, self absorbed and introspective narcissist, if I do catch my own reflection in someone elses eyes then, like the man himself, it can be an extreme effort for me to tear my gaze away from it, for a time at least.

This can of course come across as if I have "fallen in love" with them, but that's not the case. What I tend to fall into more often than not is some form or other of OBSESSION.

The flip side of this tendancy being that I then project my failings and hypocrisies onto them and assume they are the problem. I lash out, sometimes very savagely indeed, to punish them for being as weak and ignorant as I know in my deepest self that I am. I blame them for my failings, my choices, my actions, my consequences, my problems.

But this is absurd and childish behaviour!

The attitude of a zombie.

The mental condition of someone without any psychological health, without any self awareness.

The problem is, and always has been, me. I am the only person in my life who I need to change and control. I need to teach true self knowledge and self realisiation to me before I can hope to have a clue how to help anyone else achieve it!

To go through life, as I have, hating and condemning the world for it's sickness, whilst carrying the same dis-ease in yourself, and spreading it about as you go round damaging nearly everyone you meet is as hypocritical as it gets!

I am beginning to learn who I am now.

The personality that I see emerging as the fog lifts is not a very "nice" or "moral" one, and I cannot any longer pretend otherwise. I apologise to those people to whom I have pretended so in the past.

I am however a very sincere, and very intense person.

One of the dangers of this of course is getting lost in introspection, dissapearing up your own arsehole, so to speak, and I surely know that I have done plenty of that over the years, and probably will do so again in some manner or form....

....but I am walking the tight-rope here, working out who I am, but trying also to look Up and Outwards at the same time, and see with eyes open and awake the True World around me.

Yes, it is a world full of the same sickness I carry inside. A world full of hypocrisy, deception, corruption, violence, abuse, manipulation, and money/power addicts.

*******

However, it is also a World of Amazing Beauty, Extreme Self Sacrifice, Awesome Love, and Infinte Wonder and Mystery!


And you know what? I think I am going to start enjoying it at long last.

Just as soon as I have achieved a healthy psychology!

Love, Courage & Strength to you all.

Alan