Happy New Year for 2013 Everyone!

Happy new year everyone, let us all resolve to make it our best year yet!

I found this old poem among my many files, I wrote it in...well, I think you can work that out for yourself? It made me chuckle, and I publish it here in honour and salute to anyone who is disappointed that the world did not end this year. Never mind, you come up with another date for the apocolypse and I will bet you anything you like that it won't happen.

:-)



Maybe This World Will End

(December 31^st 1999)

Maybe this world will end,

This time next year,

Maybe we start a whole new trend,

That does not seem so queer.

Maybe ET is watching,

With awe inspired fear,

Maybe sin is unwaged,

And pleasure not so dear.

Maybe I could be famous,

For doing nothing much,

Maybe I am not evil,

For loving evils touch,

Maybe the beast is Saddam,

Clinton, Yeltsin or Blair,

Maybe this world will end,

This time next year.

Though maybe not,

I hear the cry.

We could do a lot,

If we all tried.

Yes maybe not,

These destined woes,

Don't have to be,

Eternal foes.

Perhaps we'll find a method,

To dry Earth's long cried tears,

Perhaps the world won't end,

This time next year?

Back from the Living Dead…

 (Belief?)

 With much gratitude and admiration to Nassim Haramein

Some of you will already know this about me, some of you may not. One or two of you may be shocked to learn it. Many of you won’t be.

I used to call myself, many years ago, a “Born Again Christian”. I do so no longer, and have not for some time. I abandoned Christianity, as I did all organised, dogmatic belief systems a long time ago.

However, I have found myself revisiting that place in my consciousness recently, re-examining those beliefs as well as the experiences that lead me to them.

I still have beliefs about all manner of things including Christ, we all do. Even the most hard line atheist (like Darwin’s Rottweiler for instance) has a belief system within themselves. It is unavoidable. It is a part of what it means to be human, to believe stuff.

In recent years I have tended to shy away from beliefs and search in earnest for knowledge instead, and yet this search for Gnosis has brought me back full circle to the matter of belief.

I remember reading one of the Carlos Castaneda books years ago, I forget which one it was, where he quoted Don Juan as saying something along the lines of “…there is no world at large….there is only your description of it…” or words to that effect.

This is something I have come to believe, and also am now reaching a place where I feel I can start to consider it Gnosis.

Or at least I believe so! ;-)

What we think of as “reality” is not real at all! It is all simply a projection of Creative and Wilful Imagination; or Pure Consciousness. It is that Pure Consciousness, of which we are all a part, which is the only True Reality. Everything else we see, touch, smell, taste, hear and feel is simply an Imagined projection emanating from that True Reality, or Prime Mind as I prefer to call it. You may be more comfortable with the term God, or Allah or the phrase Quantum Flux Field or whatever it is all those clever types are calling it these days!

Okay, “faith!” I hear you cry. “Religious claptrap” I sense you thinking. “What a boring old Holy Joe he’s turned out to be, again” I believe some of you will say to each other (if not to me!) But if that is your response then I ask you, respectfully, to re-examine and re-evaluate what I am saying. Not just on this post, but on this blog as a whole.

I am not in the slightest bit bothered personally, either or any way, by what anyone else thinks or believes. That is up to them, not me. As it is up to me, not them, what I think or believe. As it is up to me, not them, what I do or do not do. As a sentient being who is not a zombie I could have it no other way!

As Mr Crowley so wonderfully and poetically put it “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law; love is the law, love under will”.

(Now let me just say about that, if the above quote makes no sense to you no matter how long you stare at it, or how hard you think about it then my advice is not to bother studying Crowley’s life or work. This is the most obvious and manifest truth the man ever uttered, and if you cannot wrap your head around it then nothing else he ever said or did will help you much, in fact in will probably serve only to confuse you. With regard to Mr Crowley I can be sure of only one thing; he was a damn sight cleverer than me!)

There is a paradox here though, one I am working out slowly for myself.

Because although yes I understand now that all that energy I used to expend trying to convince people to see things MY WAY was really all about my ego and my fear of being wrong or of being thought of as stupid; not Truth, not Love. Not really. However, it surely is beholden upon anyone who has found a powerful and empowering Truth within themselves to offer it for sharing with the world, is it not? (Perhaps some of you disagree?) Well, yes and no I think. Balance is the key word here, and it is a concept I struggle with naturally. I am a very extreme person. I do not do things half heartedly if my heart is in them at all. If my heart isn’t in them, then I don’t do them, at all!

Yet what I am coming to realise is the truth in the old words of the Apostle John “…perfect love casts out fear…” The key word for me here is “fear”.

All my life I have, like everyone who admits it or doesn’t, been soaked with and dripping fear everywhere. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of pain and suffering and yes ultimately fear of death.

But hang on….why fear these things?

Are they not inevitable?

Am I really so flawless and perfect as to realistically expect to go through life without experiencing rejection, without failing in my efforts to succeed, without being exposed for the absurd hypocrite that I am, without feeling pain, without dying?

This is nonsense. These things are unavoidable. You may well consider yourself capable of dodging them if you like, and if you really do believe yourself to be so competent and extra-ordinary then I certainly won’t waste much energy trying to educate you! For me however the truth is all too clear…..

….I am absurdly lacking in any Real perceptive powers, and life, or “reality”, is a wonderful and infinite mystery far above and beyond the comprehensive abilities of my little thought conditioned and drug damaged brain to grasp hold of and understand. I “know” I am loved. I “know” I can affect “reality” for myself and others by loving them also, as I am loved. This is no airy fairy vague notion of pink fluffy love and pillow talk.

No. This is Love. The kind that accepts rejection, accepts failure, accepts suffering, pain and yes, even death itself as inevitable; yet goes on Loving all the same.

Is it belief? Is it Gnosis?

Well, I guess only time will tell us the answer to that.

Love, Courage and Strength to you all,

A

Another bit of rhyming irrational nonsense!

The Last Stand.

You shall know when the time comes,

The dawning of our new era,

A time when we will leave our homes,

Be forced to face our inner fear,

As storms of hate and poverty,

Gather and burst upon our lands,

Then we will war with savage breeds,

We will learn the power in our hands.

Then to triumph we shall go,

Or death in effort brave and sure,

The fruits of love and peace will show,

If we victor in our final war,

For many years we've been assailed,

By the evil of our enemy,

Let not the faith of your hearts fail,

But fight the fight to keep life free.

Darkness overcomes this world,

Though many lights are shining on,

Above the noise of fear is heard,

The cry of justice not yet forgotten,

We will stand with honest souls,

We will resist this evil dark,

Be ready you who hear the calls,

To Ancient Wisdom Hark!

The wild ones can smell the fear,

Nature groans in painful throes,

For these are now the foretold years,

When new age comes and old ways go,

Our part to play is small or large,

Each crucial to the Divine Whole,

We are the Keepers, Earth our Charge,

We must protect her with our soul.

Our enemies are Greed and Pride,

No sword or gun will conquer them,

We must defeat our selfish side,

So purified we live again,

With art, wisdom, creative powers,

We will build again our Race,

 With faith and strength we'll build our towers,

 Of Freedom, Justice, Love, and Grace.

(From “The Legends of Durrik and Egralamant” 1992)

Back from the Living Dead...

(A Personal Revelation)

Psychoactive experiences are by no means safe. They should not be embarked upon when one is too young for they disturb the natural development of ones mind and spirit (or ones ego and super ego if you prefer!)Nor are they a wise habit to fall into, indulging in them for their own sake. However, if the seeker, or user, is confident of the personal integrity of their own motives, if they are aware of the inherent dangers involved and fully prepared to face them head on, blaming nobody but themselves for any subsequent consequences and finally if they are not acting out of any kind of dependence on the substance in question, then exploratory “Psy A E's” can be used as a valid and fruitful facet of their own magical adventure and journey of self discovery. However, it is important for the neophyte to remember that magic is as alive and vital in the world of matter as it is in the world of mind. There is nothing more intrinsically magical than a physical reality for all physical realities are the achieved ambitions, or realised visions, of magical creativity. Magical creativity is the offspring of motivation (desire, will etc.) coupled with vision (idea, concept etc.). Therefore, all physical realities begin in an embryonic state of existence as purely magical, that is to say imagined, concepts. The process of transformation from an imagined concept to a physical reality is described in the “Lightning Flash” of the development of consciousness portrayed and experienced in the Kabbalic tradition of the Tree of Life.

My experience has been such that I have found myself believing that between Vision and Will is a symbiotic relationship, in a way a kind of metaphysical constant motion machine. The power generated by this relationship differs for each individual but is present in all of us to some degree, and as we go through life, experiencing our own ideas and forming our own desires, this generated power of “Magical Creativity” builds up until such a time as it reaches something like a critical mass. At this point it must be dissipated, and I say “must” because there are no exceptions, like gravity must attract! Now I find that there are as many ways of dissipating this energy as there are human activities. Ideally the resultant actions that we use to disperse our personal energy will be positive ones, that is to say truly creative. However, this can only really be achieved if we have arrived at a state of Pure Consciousness, a state where our Will and our Vision are united in their intent to be effective as a means, however slight, of improving the state of being human, that is to say developing human consciousness and expanding human awareness. By this we ultimately encourage a mind set, or cultural environment, that encourages higher levels of tolerance and of co-operation, better understanding of our fellow human beings whatever their condition or beliefs and ultimately more compassion for the suffering of life in all of it's manifest forms. Problems arise with our behaviour if we are in any way repressed from expressing or dispersing our own “Magical Creativity”.

A terrible and ever present danger to those people who are creatively highly developed, (or to put it another way have a highly active imagination, a powerful internal life) is the tendency to overlook the importance of physical realities and to see Vision as an end in itself, missing the need for action engaged by Will. These individuals (of which I surely am one) can become caught in a cycle of feeding their own Magical Creativity back into the process of imagining, failing to engage the Will  and thus intensifying their own experience of their imagined reality. This leads to an unbalance in their own psycho-spiritual self and will eventually force them to release this build up of intense Magical Creative Power in dangerous and reckless ways that will be harmful to themselves and often to those around them. The danger of relying too heavily on psychoactive experiences is that it encourages this destructive cycle, that is to say it creates an environment where this cycle is more probable and more likely to become a dangerous reality, and only the most highly developed of individuals can avoid this. I am not such an individual!

In my opinion and experience the world is full of people, like myself, who would have made powerful magicians had they not fallen into this trap by being distracted early in their journey by the wonders and pleasures of psychoactive experiences.

So, my point is…?

Please be aware of the dangers, and look after your own mind!

Love Courage and Strength to you all.

A

Back from the Living Dead…

Hello my friends. I do hope you all had a great time these last few days!

I admit I do tend towards cynicism when it comes to Christmas these days. I am trying not to, but I do. The whole rampant festival of commercialism and greed that we seem to get subjected to earlier every year, along with the financial and social pressure it can put some folk under (especially those with young families) does conspire at times to annoy me.

However, that said I do believe that all in all it is a good thing that for at least one month a year we all remember to try to be pleasant to each other!

I recall, vauguely, the years I spent homeless, living in hostels or sofa surfing, over the Yule Tide. They really only stick in my mind because of the extra money I expected, and always made, over those couple of weeks in December whilst begging here on the streets of Leicester, or elsewhere. There is not much else about those times that stick in my mind to be honest, at least not clearly.

Easy money, hard drugs, soft women…

…tough old life…..kind of.

Because you see as an addict you do not really get a holiday, ever.

It is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, 365 day a year occupation.

Your boss is very demanding, taking every penny you earn in stoppages and forgiving nothing!

However, I do not want to talk about drug addiction today, at least not directly.

My subject of choice today is that other bugbear of mine; homelessness.

Because yes it is true that from about the 10^th until the 30^th of this magical and wonderful month folk do seem to notice the homeless more than usual. This is great in so far as it goes, and if you allowed the spirit of Saint Nick to enter you this year and gave a few more pounds away, or bought one or two more Big Issues perhaps, than you normally would then good on you, nice one.

 I know it was appreciated.

However, let us not forget that the same homeless, desperate, lonely, needy and lost people are always with us.

24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

And resolving that big issue should really be a full-time occupation for all our minds!

Love Courage and Strength to you all,

Absolutely....I'm in....are you?

http://www.weboflove.org/interconnectedness

The Hoppit.

I went to watch The Hobbit the other night. It was a fun film and no mistake, and I am looking forward to part two and seeing more of Smaug the Magnificent! (Although I do get why some of the purists didn't like it, but hey, it is a story for children okay?)

*****

It got me thinking though (as most things are prone to do) about my own life and situation, and I saw some very clear parallels between me and Bilbo Baggins.

A bumbling fool on an adventure that apparently chose him, not the other way round; and while being alone, frightened and helpless in a very dark place, with monsters on every side, this little person of no consequence to the bigger picture found something powerful and magical. Of course he (like myself) had very little understanding of just what is was he had stumbled upon. However, he used it, it gave him a measure of genuine power, it changed him, and it almost consumed him. It certainly left him older than his natural years and as he put it himself “...I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter that has been scraped over too much bread...”

But then I started to think on the outcome of all this. What happened in the bigger picture?

Bilbo clearly had the love and support of bigger and wiser folk (Gandalf and the Elves for instance), and with this guiding influence, decided to leave the Ring behind to his heir, to the next generation of Shire Folk. As a result of this the matter of the One Ring became known to the Great and Good in Middle Earth. A decision was made during the Council of the Wise.

That “next generation” (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin) were all much more special, or intelligent, or courageous than Bilbo, even the one's who didn't know it of themselves! As a result of all of this they went on, each in their own special way, to make great changes to Middle Earth and to finally defeat the Dark Lord Sauron!

******

Well, I don't know what the future is going to hold, but it was me that got myself into this mess and it is, I feel, to some extent at least down to me to try to clear this mess up. However, like Bilbo I am old now, before my natural time. I am not all that special (except to a few people), I am not all that clever. I understand very little really. And yes, I do feel stretched thin, “like butter that's been scraped over too much bread”! However, I have found something magical and powerful, and I did stumble on it whilst on an adventure, that I suspect was not entirely of my choosing, and in a very dark and frightening place, surrounded by bigger, scarier, and more violent creatures than I.

*******

So what will I do with this powerful and magical thing I have found?

Well, my hope is that I will get some guidance from the Councils of the Wise, and therefore be enabled to pass it on to our future generations of little people.

Maybe, just maybe, they can then go on to overcome the evils in this world and show everybody and everything just how special, courageous and resilient to corrupting influences they really are.

Love Courage and Strength to you all,

A

Back from the Living Dead...

A very happy and joyous Solstice to you all!

What exciting and vibrant times we are living in, don't you think?

Or is it still for you a very dark and troubling time we are living through? If it is then you have my heartfelt empathy, because I know full well what that is like.

Everywhere you look is darkness, despair, doom and gloom.

Consider for a moment though, if you will humour me, that maybe somebody, somewhere, doesn't want you to feel happy, and positive and powerful. That somebody, somewhere hates you, and wants to keep you down and depressed; wants you to believe that there is nothing you can do about anything. Which, of course, is a lie!

If that was the case, and I did say "if", then what would you do about it?

Pick up a gun and go find them and shoot them dead? You'd never get close!

Take the frustration and rage it inspires in you and inflict it on anyone who so much as looks your way? You'd be playing into "their" hands, spreading the hate they intended all along for you to spread.

Or keep your head down, looking at the pavement, or your feet, and never daring to rock the boat in-case "they" decide to hurt you? What is it that frightens you so much?

Do you not know that You are indestructable?

Or....would you decide to beat them?

Would you say no to "them" and "their" hate and "their" unjust laws? Would you stand up straight and look the evil in the eye and let it know that you are NOT dead yet.

You are NOT a zombie!

If you do then be sure of this.

You cannot beat "them" (whoever "they" may be) at their own game.

"They" hold all the aces after all. The deck has been rigged from the start, and the dealer is a friend of "theirs".

No. If they attack you with hate, you need to respond with love. If they attack you with fear, respond with courage. If they attack you with violence, respond with peace. If they attack you with doubt and confusion, respond with certainty and simplicity.

And whatever else you do or don't do this wonderful time of year, for Gods sake, for my sake and for your sake, for everyone’s sake; Look Up!

For there is nothing of any real interest on the pavement, and your feet will always be there to look at, if that's your thing.

So, Look UP!

Every eye to the sky!

Love Courage and Strength to you all.

A

The Strength of Acceptance

This is what I never understood until very recently.

How very powerful it is when one learns true acceptance.

Acceptance of who you are yourself,

Or have ever been,

And will become.

Acceptance of who everyone else is,

Or has ever been,

And will become.....

*****

Acceptance of the crimes committed by and against you,

And the level of responsability and pain you share for this.

Acceptance of the World, for what It is, and what It Will Become...

...whatever you do or do not do,

...and as with The Cosmos,

...as with The Infinite,

...as with The Inevitable.

******

Acceptance of what you cannot avoid.

For be sure,

If you cannot avoid It,

Then It,

Exists.

What is more,

It does so for a Reason!

*******

Love Courage and Strength to you all,

A

Back from the Living Dead...

 

 

Okay, so this will sound crazy.

 

I admit all personal experience is subjective, as is the very notion of "crazy", but we will put a pin in that for now.

 

 

Anyway, I already know I am crazy!

 

As the Seal song says "we are never gonna survive all this, unless we get a little bit....crazy."

 

So to be brutally honest it matters little to me in any pragmatic sense whether you think I am crazy or not. I want to survive, so crazy I shall be!

 

If you believe me or not won't affect my sleep any.

 

I do not seek your appproval, only your respect.

 

I am not on this Earth to work out Your salvation, only Mine.

 

However, I really wanted to share this experince with you all, because it has shook me very profoundly.

 

 

My PC is on the blink.

 

It could be when the monitor "fell" on it during the night (Thanks cat!).

 

Or it could be the elephant in the room falling on it everyday, but we won't talk about that.

 

 

Last night I got in quite late for me after having gone to watch "The Hobbit" with a friend (more on that in a future post), I tried to boot up and it wouldn't. Wouldn't get past the POST. I fiddled with it(knowing as I do a little bit about IT), cleaned it and tried again....nothing. Dead.

 

This morning I tried again, twice. Nothing. Dead.

 

Yet here I am, online, blogging away on my computer again. How so?

 

You may well ask......

 

......I took advantage of the piece and quiet, the lack of distractions, the opportunity. I lit a candle. I spent about...15....20...minutes in as deep a meditation as I could allow myself without getting overwhelmed by sensation (some of you will know what I am talking about here.) I then channelled that energy into my PC as I switched it on......

 

......at first I didn't think it had worked as the HDD didn't make any of it's usual noises.

 

In fact it is currently running better and quieter than it has for a while!?

 

I don't suppose it will last, after all, my PC is on the blink.

 

That is the "reality" in front of me.

 

 

Love Courage and Strength to you all.

 

A

We The People Are Speaking!

I know what your eyes see when you look at me.

I know what your mind thinks.

But let me assure you,

I am a Man,

No more,

No less.

"I dare do all that may become a Man,

Who dares do more is none."

*****

You can lie to us,

You can frighten us,

You can blot out the night sky,

With your cloud seeding chemicals.

You can send your uniformed zombies to our front doors,

You can arrest us,

You can incarcerate us.

You can send your zombie assassins to our front doors,

You can torture us,

You can kill us!

Yet if We The People do not consent,

You govern nothing!

(Dedicated to the memory of Emily Davison June4 1913. Your example, your courage, your love for your fellow human beings and for freedom, and truth, will never be forgotten.)

Love Stength and Courage to you all,

A

Back From the Living Dead....

(The REAL zombie Apocalypse!)

Hello to you all.

Well, this time tomorrow it'll be two weeks "clean".

TaDA!

Today I am feeling more like my true self, that exciting and dangerous mixture of "good" and "evil", loving and fearful, pure and corrupted.

I am pleased with myself for getting this far, but I want to make it clear to you all that I am a long long way from being "....out, of the wild wild wood..." just yet.

I honestly cannot recall exactly how many times I have gotten this far before....only then of course to fall flat on my face....and back down the rabbit hole I go.....

*******

Not this time though.

Not if I find an eighth of the damn stuff in the street, (again!)

Not if a famous user pulls up in a stretch limo, filled with sexy young party animals and a large, full, "hospitality bowl" and invites me in for a ride!

Not even if the Devil Himself offers me a shot of the purest gear in a gold spike, for free (which of course that particular anthropomorphism would never do!)

In fact I state here and now, publicly, that if anyone out there offers me heroin, or opiates of any kind, even out of a SENSE OF MIS-GUIDED FRIENDSHIP, then I may just lose my temper with you a bit! You have been warned.

(Not that me losing my temper is all that scary a thing, well unless you happen to be too close to me at the time that is.)

*******

How can I be so sure though?

After all, if I have messed it up before, then I could mess it up again, right?

Right.

I could, I have that potential, but....

....I don't want to anymore....and....more crucially....

....I don't need to anymore either.

I've plumbed that particular cave now, I know where that rabbit hole goes. I do not need to explore it anymore.

However, there are many other, more interesting, Rabbit Holes in this World, as well more than a few within You, and some of them will take you to EXTRA-ORDINARY places, if you have the wit and the will to take such a Journey...

...and the willingness to let yourself be nailed to a tree for the sake of the Journey you are on....

*******

....As the saying goes, "when you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss stares right back into you!"....

...And I know now what I look like, because I have seen my true reflection.

I have spent so many years sat in that dark place, staring out intensely into the Infinite Void that surrounds me and seeing only one thing, me.

My reflection, staring right back.

Love Courage and Strength to you all.

A

A Loving Message to Our Political Leaders....

Please be patient, please be wise, and do not fear each other. Rather help each other overcome the causes of fear.

I will paraphrase, if I may, a paragraph from a speech given to the people of Cape Town in1960 by Harold Macmillan.

"....In different places it takes different forms, but it is happening everywhere. The wind of change is blowing through this (Globe), and, whether we like it or not, this growth of (Global) Consciousness is a political (and psycho-spiritual) fact, and our (inter-)national policies must take account of it...."

Love Courage and Strength to you all,

A

I am a BIG Tolkien fan you know?

　

I cannot remember exactly how old I was when I first read the Hobbit. (I haven't been to see the film, yet.) However, I do know I wasn't very old.

I also know that it moved me on a level I didn't then really understand, but I did know it enough to go on to read every scrap of Tolkien material I could lay my hands on. I lost count, a long time ago, how many times I have read Lord of the Rings. The number of times I have watched the movies is certainly now catching up!

Which is better?

Well, it depends entirely on if you prefer books or movies. If you prefer to use your own imagination, or let someone guide you in your imaginings.

I like both, and the films are certainly classics of our modern age.

However, when literature is of the quality, scope and majesty of that created by J.R.R.Tolkien, well, there is just no substitute for it; at least as far as I am concerend.

I have come across few modern writers who really challenge the man, although that probaly says more about my inadequate education than anything else.

One such writer I do recommend you look out for if you are a Tolkien fan, is a guy called Tim Severin. His "Viking" trilogy reminded me very much of Tolkien's style, and I certainly fell in love with "Thorgils" by page 8 of the first book, "Odinn's Child"!

Tim writes like Tolkien, but for grown ups!

*******

 



The whole story of Middle Earth is a sweeping, epic mythology that has so many Universal Themes running through it that personally, I think only a zombie, or a "golem", would fail to be moved by the tale when it is told well.

The obvious messages to me clearly being that even the little folk can make a big difference, that there are many ways of fighting evil, and war, and that when good and wise people pool their resources and put their minds together, great things will happen, if sacrifices are prepared to be made.

*******

Then, of course there is the subject of "The One Ring."

I found it fascinating to read an interview with Andy Serkis recently, where he talked about using the attitude and character of a steryotypical "Junky" to get in the right mind set for Gollum.

And he couldn't be more right!

I even have spotted one or two look's from the creature that I could have made myself at one time, especially the scene where Sam is trying to explain to Frodo why they must keep going.....

....."...Because there is some good in this world, and it is worth fighting for..." oh the look on Gollums face when he hears that!

And yet.....what is IT that Gollum, Bilbo, Frodo, Boromir, Denathor, Isildur, Saruman and of course SAURON are all either craving for or hoplessly addicted to?

Power of course.

And that for me is the main message of Tolkiens work. That strength in any form, though it can be a force for good in the right hands, is also a corrupting influence that can do great harms.

That, and that ABSOLUTE POWER is ALWAYS EVIL, WHOEVER'S HANDS IT IS IN!

And, like my hero from childhood, Gandalf the Grey, I have chosen "the way of pain."

Love Courage and Strength to you all.

A

 

 

I Just Wanted to Say.....

 

 

 

 

All my heartfelt sympathy and hopes for a brighter, better future goes out to every family affected by the gun-shooting in Conneticut.

 

A tragedy that is beyond words.

 

 

*******

 

 

I Also Just Wanted To Say......

 

 

A "Big Up" and "YAY!" to my man Gary McKinnon! Awesome dude, just awesome!

 

:)

 

 

Love Courage and Strength to you all,

 

A

Back from the Living Dead....

Well, it's day eleven.

The worst thing now is my emotional state. It is up and down, shall we say.

That and the cold. No matter what the central heating does, or what coat I put on, or duvet I get under; I am still always very cold.

Then there's my legs. Addicts often complain of "restless legs" when coming off, and I have experienced that, especially off Heroin, less so Methadone. However, with me the real bitch has always been, and is now, the ache and pain in my legs, or for that matter all over, but mostly my legs.

It is as if every mile I've walked on them whilst "under the influnce", and hence didn't feel that much at the time; well, I am feeling them all now! (Those of you that know me will also surely know, that adds up to quite a few miles!)

Oh yeah, and the odd cravings. These have calmed right down now compared to before, but I still always wake up with them. I think it is called "Psychosomatic".

My appetite's coming back though, as is the sleep (finally!).

I guess the trick to dealing with any and all of this is to be aware of it, know it for what it is, and keep breathing....in.....and.....out....

*******

I have to say though, in all seriousness, that meditation seems to be the key to the kind of inner calm that I've been hungering after all my life.....

......and I fully expect that if I stick with it, and get more practised at it, that the eventual rewards, with regards "expanding my mind" will turn out to be worth the effort and the time it cost.

*******

Of course, if you'd rather not fuck about with all that crap, and don't much care what misery you cause in your life, or what pain you suffer; then as an ADULT, responsible for your own actions and consequences..... hey drop some pills and speed, have a trip or six, suck on a crack pipe, shove a spike in your arm; whatever floats your boat.

Just don't say I never warned you!



Love Courage and Strength to you all,

A

Back From the Living Dead....

I should know better by now. I really should.

But as the saying goes; "Old habits die hard."

I am, unsuprisingly, very much struggling to sleep at the moment.

When I do it invariably requires alcohol (something I am quitting on the Soltice). I then manage an hour, perhaps two, before waking up in a worse state than before I went to sleep!

And I should not be drinking spirits at all really, not in my position. It is too damn dangerous for me to do so.

This will piss some of you off, but I make no apology. The truth may hurt sometimes, but it should never offend.

I honestly would prefer, if I had to choose, to be an opiate addict than an alcohol addict. I have been a problem drinker on many occassions and boy AM I A PROBLEM WHEN I AM DRUNK!

Then there's the smoking issue. Civvies, roll ups, electric fags, and even the odd spilff, now and then. It's the nicotine that's the real issue there though (cannabis being non-addictive as I am sure you already know). I have been addicted to nicotine far more heavily, and for a much much longer time period (since I was about11) than I was with heroin.....and......

.....tobacco addiction will kill you more surely than a managed and controlled opiate addiction will.....and.....

......in some respects it is actually harder to quit than heroin!

Now as a blatant and loud supporter of legalisation this is a real concern to me.

When we legalise (becasue we must, if we want to protect our children, and their children, from the kind of pitfalls and dangers I have spent my life falling into!) we must do it intelligently, gradually, and very very carefully.

After all, we live in a culture where some level of alcohol dependance is considered normal. We laugh and joke about it, about how drunk we are going to get, have gotten in the past, about how much we "need" a drink.......and if the Governments of this world do actually grow a pair and step up to this challenge then they need to make sure that this same cultural acceptance of addiction, in ANY form, does not extend outwards to include opium, dia-morphine, cocaine, etc etc.

So, I want to make this point here today about the whole issue.

There is no "silver bullet" that is going to erradicate the issue of psychoactives from the experience of Humanity.

I am not claiming to have all the answers. I do not know how we should go about implementing leagalisation. Working that out will require better brains than the rather warped one I possess, that much I do know!

*******

Yet, it must be done. Somehow, somewhen, it must be done. Because the "War on (innocent hard working poor communities) Drugs" has failed.

I have watched over the course of my life this problem explode out of control and permeate every corner of our society. There is not currently a single city, town or even villiage in this land where a minor, with cash in thier pocket, cannot gain access to these drugs. The same could not be said of say...vodka...for instance.

And if we just keep attacking the problem by doing more of the same, more of what we have already tried, then the situation is just going to keep on getting worse. For everyone.

At the end of the day there are no easy, simple, cheap or flawless solutions.

Perhaps though, if we addressed why it is that so many young minds are so desperate to escape from the mundanity and sham of a life lived on materialistic aims and ambitions then it'd be a start?

 

*******

I know now, as the Floyd song says, "I don't need no drugs to calm me!" I am learning to calm myself.

I also believe, emphatically, that what we do all need, with regard this thorny and highly charged emotional issue, is more, better and honest EDUCATION!

Because let's face it.

Frankly, It hasn't been all that impressive so far, has it?



Love Courage and Strength to you all

A

I get it.

I really do.

Men are Dangerous and Powerful Creatures.

For that matter, so are Women!

Love, Courage and Strength to you all.

A

A Random Wondering.

                                                            A Random Wondering.


I have always, for as long as I recall having an opinion on the matter, been against war on principle.


And yet......




.......throughout my life my fantasy/game life has been dominated by simulated conflict/war scenarios!




mmmmmmm.........?

A Poem that I put together many years ago(do not ask me exactly how many!)

I guess I was on gear at the time, because I filed it as "A Junkies Prayer" and as some of you know , a Junky is a particular kind of drug user.....

....Would respect and respond to any feedback, positive or negative, creative or destructive. Whatever.

Starting Over.

 

Stolen pencil, stolen paper,

Stolen Words?

 

Have I words of my own?

Has my soul grown?

Show the evidence,

Of confidence,

With temperance.

 

Resistance,

Against the tide,

I'm open wide,

Yet try to hide,

This damaged me,

This me inside.

 

So then leave me,

Don’t grieve me,

It is better believe me.

If I deceive you,

As you deceive me.

 

Has nothing then changed?

Nor time rearranged?

You know the dangers

I face.

I am still a fool,

Yet in-spite of it all,

I want to get out of

This place.

 

Planets that spin,

As evil men grin.

Self centred lies,

Cause suicide ties.

Betrayals of friends,

Dreams as they end.

Bad times foreseen,

Make all our souls mean.

 

I am falling apart,

I am losing my heart,

Where is the start?

Can I start,

Over?

 

Can I start over?