Re-realisations and reflections on the nature of self

Hi.

So as you have probably gathered from my last few posts the trip to Dunkirk had a very profound effect on me this time.

I think it is fair to say that it is impossible to do any kind of work in the humanitarian context without it having a profound effect on you unless your heart is made of stone, and if it was you most probably wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Since getting home to this lovely, beautiful community of artists, anarchists, activists and rebels we call the Leicester Peace and Love Collective I have had time and opportunity to reflect deeply on life, both in the personal and abstract sense of the word, and I have re-realised a simple truth that I had lost sight of about my nature and my being.

All of my recent mental, emotional and physical angst is primarily down to one thing.

Distance.

The distance I have allowed to develop between me and people in my life who I love and care about.

The distance I have allowed to develop between my internal and external selves.

The simple fact that I have allowed my ego - i.e. my sense of being, my personality, emotions, desires and sense of self importance - to become more real to me and more important than the "Other".

This "Other" that I mention comes in many forms from abstract symbols, personifications and archetypes of the Divine Principle or Prime Mind (There are so many, you pick one, Jesus, Allah, Shiva, Kali, Krishna, Odin, Thor, Morrigan,...the list is endless!). Through every expression and manifestation of consciousness and awareness that has over the years manifested itself to me on some level, be it extra-terrestrial, angelic/demonic, human or animal.To every source and repository of life like our Earth for example, and eventually all the way down to the smallest knowable particles of manifest things like atoms, electrons etc.

Clearly we cannot in this life have a personal connected relationship with reality on all of these levels (unless you consider your self in a permanent state of Oneness and Full Attainment, which I don't!). However we can relate to the other in so many forms, most of them as people in our lives, people we meet, get to know, are born connected to or hear about from far away places.

When I go through the kind of emotional difficulties I have been going through my default response is to insist upon distance from others, and for sure I am of a personality type that craves and needs solitude from time to time. Solitude gives me time to reflect, time to train my mind, clearing it of thoughts and learning to observe objectively the emotional states within my being. I am also someone who benefits from time alone in natural environments, and I think we all do. Time to feel a part of the natural world, to observe it, appreciate it's beauty and it's cruelty, and learn from the actions of it's systems.

However there comes a point when solitude becomes an indulgence that creates an unhealthy distance from the "Other", and it is not really distance from others that I need or crave. In fact it is the opposite. It is greater closeness that I need. Better connection with everyone and everything around me. To achieve that closeness and have those connections requires emotional and intellectual honesty, with myself and with others. The times I take in solitude allows me to connect with and identify my own feelings, so that I am then able to be honest about them. Rather than be an indulgent or defensive  means of distancing myself it should be an opportunity to learn genuine closeness with my feelings, thoughts, desires, fears, hopes and sense of relationship with the wider objective reality of which "I" am but one point in the quantum fields of time, space, eternity and infinity.

I have recently allowed my ego to get carried away with itself, caught up in its own sense of self importance, and as a result I have failed very often to form the kind of genuine emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical intimate relationships with "Other" that my being, like every sentient be-ing, longs for.

I have become distant from the true nature of my own thoughts and my own feelings.

I have become distant from the people in my life, near or far, that I care about and love, and who care about and love me.

And I have become distant from the realisations of the unmanifest, or partially manifest "Others" that have brought me to this place, position and opportunity in life.

It is time for me to start closing these gaps, and once again bringing my internal and external realities closer together, until hopefully one fine day they become truly and inseparably one.

For any community to be successful and sustainable requires genuine honest relationships between it's members, and for me to be an effective member of any community means I need to fully embrace my own state of be-ing - without pretenses, defenses or the egos tendency to project itself onto reality and onto others.

It is challenging, and at times an uncomfortable journey, but I am looking forward to it.

Love, Courage and Strength to you all.